Three Plus One


I am thankful for what I have in this world.

I have an amazingly supportive family, a small but fiercely loyal group of friends and a wonderful husband and daughter. I have a home, and a job that I like. I have food to eat, a place to rest my head and a garden that brings me peace and solace when my heart is heavy.


What I am struggling with now, is how to reconcile that thankfulness with wanting more. I thought this would be easier. It was so easy with Lily. And today, it seems impossible. I am spending so much time reflecting on what is in my head and in my heart. I feel like I took for granted how simple this was, 6 years ago when we decided to have a family. We decided, and then it happened. Easy then, and so so hard now.

I know that things happen when they are meant to. I can't help but ask "Why?" and "When?"

I don't want to be this sad person.

The big prayer in my heart right now, is just this.

Please.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


ee cummings