I am looking the calendar with a growing sense of sadness. It's September. I have to go back to work. I don't want to.

But we need the income, so I must. Today was my last Saturday as a stay at home mom. I had a hard time talking to Bryan about it - I don't think he understands how I feel about this, and I don't know how to explain it.

We made the decision that I will go back part time, rather than full time. After daycare fees, I would have about the same net income that I would have working part time hours. Daycares, the really good ones, are expensive and have long waiting lists. And I would feel so guilty leaving her in the care of others, where she might say a new word, or take first steps without me. That would break my heart. I know that I am lucky that I will still get to be home with her during the day, but I have always been there to put her to bed. I am going to miss those bedtimes a couple of times a week and it makes me sad.

Of course Bryan will be fine - he's a great dad, and she loves her 'daddy time'.

He hasn't had to be the only caregiver all day though, and I'm hoping that he is OK on the weekend days that I have to work a 9 hour shift.

My mom and dad are not always here on the weekends if he needs a break - I hope that he doesn't get frustrated when she has a 'moment'. She does have them. We are currently engaged in a battle over the corner protector from the TV unit. It's there to protect her noggin. She doesn't understand that, and thinks it's her job to pry the corner thingy off, and either chew on it or bring it to us. When we put the guards up, we attached them with the double sided tape that came in the package. After she took the corners off a few times, the tape stopped sticking, so I tried a piece of Velcro. That didn't work either. Now we are on 3 pieces of Velcro per corner, and she can still pull them off. When we tell her "No" and take her away from the corners, she squawks and goes right back. Sometimes she pulls them off, and looks at us right away and hands the corner to us - she knows she shouldn't be doing it but she can't help it! Tonight, she had a temper tantrum every time we pulled her away, even if we tried distracting her with another toy. I am not enjoying the sobbing and the kicking. When both of us are here, she has the option of going to the parent that isn't being the meanie. If I'm not home, she won't have an option. She probably won't even notice that I'm gone. I will, and that's what I'm struggling with.

My job is being a mom. That's what I do. I hate that I have to leave my job, even for a short time, just to earn money to pay the mortgage. I really wish there was a way to work from home, so that I could be here with her all the time. But, the company I work for is still in the Dark Ages when it comes to human resource policies, so I have no choice.

(Heaven forbid Home Depot join the millennium and look into things like work-from-home, job sharing and flex time for parents. Stepping off soapbox now.)

So, to answer the question everyone has been asking for the past month or two.

I go back to work this week.